We get emotional over the holidays

Robert Whaley and Elizabeth Carson

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Whether it is the beginning of a beautiful lifelong partnership, or just someone to warm up your sheets with during the cold December nights, the holidays are a common time to start all kinds of relationships.

So, just for the holidays let’s concentrate on the emotional side of things, because at this time of year we should at least pretend to care about  one another.

This is also a common time for relationships to go awry, thus providing us with all sorts of hilarious stories to tell during future holiday seasons. In particular, there are five scenarios that you will inevitably hear, or tell the tale of, during some sort of holiday party with friends.

First up is the story of hooking up with an old flame while you were home for the holidays. Almost everybody is guilty of this at some point, which while understandable, is still rather depressing.

Nobody likes to be alone during the holidays, and now you’re stuck in your hometown for a couple of weeks. So, why not try to rekindle things with your ex-high school sweetheart? It seems like an easy way to get some love.

So let’s skip ahead a few days. You’ve gone to coffee with your ex, perhaps a movie, most likely slept with one another (again), and now you begin to notice things: the over-chewing of their food, how ridiculously slow they walk, just how grating the tone of their voice is, or the fact that they still say “like” every fifth word.

 Whatever it is, you will remember the precise reason that you stopped sleeping with them in the first place. But your screwed, because now your going to have to find a way to survive them for another week or three, and your holidays are ruined.

So calm down, deal with it, and make the best of it. Besides, crazy in the head is crazy in bed, right? Board your plane back to your life, knowing you will never go down that road again… until next year. Soon, you will be able to tell the story of the Christmas you spent shackled to the psycho you dated in high school.  

Now for the story we all hate to hear and love to tell: the good-old “how we met” story. This is the one where, in most cases, the estrogen-based half of the relationship starts the story off, and soon the couple is taking turns detail by detail, ending each others sentences. It’s so happy, cute, and loving that you get the taste of the half digested pumpkin pie that you ate an hour and a half ago, mixing with the fresh one-part eggnog and three-parts brandy that you started drinking after the first five minutes of their “wonderful” story.

The third holiday-related relationship story you’ll probably hear at some point is the story of a hook-up getting serious over the holidays. Unlike the previous situation, this is a relationship that hasn’t lasted. Usually the story will start around Halloween, but before the storyteller knows it, it was December, and they were trying to decide which matching ugly sweaters to wear to their hipster friends’ parties. 

Soon the fireworks are blasting over your head, signaling the new year. You realize in the moment between your lips meeting and parting again that your in a relationship, and you’re stuck in that relationship for the next few days, at least. At most,  you’re screwed until Valentine’s Day . This story ends with a follow-up on Valentine’s Day, where you realize that you don’t actually even like the person you’re dating, but more on that in February.

The fourth holiday story is quite possibly the most entertaining. This is the splendid tale of that time your 76-year-old grandmother walked in on you “exercising” with one of the people mentioned above. If you don’t have one of these stories yourself, congratulations. But life is just getting started. 

Most people find it embarrassing to even speak on subject of procreation with their family, and much less do they want to hear the graphic description of what that person saw. Its best to keep calm, try to think happy thoughts, and smile as everyone laughs at the “Vienna sausage down a hallway” references. Remember, at some point your father had his head buried between your mothers thighs, and your grandmother, despite how she acts, did not have an immaculate conception.

The final story you will have to endure through is the retelling of how your friend slept their way from one end of their hometown to the other to avoid anything similar to the stories you have had to tell. If she’s a woman, you’ll call her a slut in your jealousy, and if he’s a man, you’ll name him hero and hoist him on your shoulders… because the world isn’t sexist, of course. 

If you get the joy of telling this story, try not to be too smug. Just tell your tale and try to play it off as if it ” wasn’t anything special”, because being humble doesn’t hurt. After all, you already won, hopefully more than once or twice. 

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